The Leech Doth Protest Too Much

The Leech also Doth Profess Too Much... The Leech Doth Present an Expiration Date.

"I'm just letting you know... that I give you guys a year the most"
What kind of shit is that?
What do you say to someone who puts an expiration date on your relationship??
It's not that I was frightened by it...
I was offended.
Not because of what he said actually because he can believe what he wants
But, I was offended at his audacity... his boldness in saying that.
He is not a close friend, but he would like to be.
He is not a quality alternative, but he would love to be.
Every conversation, as few as they are are at what I call "inappropriate, bootycall" hours (3, 4, 5 ams)
And in these few conversations, he's always managed to nitpick and sideways devalue my relationships...
Simply because he is not a part of them.
Simply because he wants me to himself.
Simply because he cant have me if I'm taken...
BUT.. I wouldn't want him if I weren't. I never did, I never have...
And I tell him so.
He says he's satisfied with whatever I give him
I am not the least bit attracted to a person with no backbone.
He gains from my unhappiness...
Because that is the only time he would possibly have a chance with me.
It's pathetic.
I told him that if he is bold enough to say something as such when he is not a person of entitlement in my life..
then he has to deal with the consequences
How I see it.. any guy (or girl) who is not a very close/best friend has no right to give that 2 cents to me or him to that extent. I perceive it as.. a wannabe homewrecker.

The consequences: Don't talk to me until that expiration date then.
If you think we will expire.. then, let's see if you're right.
If you think we will expire... I will not have you meddle and be so explicitly intrusive.
It's not like I genuinely care anyway, you're already a headache.
He asked, "What if I die within this time? How will you feel that those were the last words you said to me? 'Don't talk to me for a year'?
I said.. I will think back and realize... It was merited. And I would not feel wrong or bad for that having been the last words I said..
If we all lived life thinking like that: what if that person dies tomorrow...
We'd all be living on edge and probably a hell of alot nicer or meaner, but realer to each other.
In his case.. I honestly do treat him as I would even if he were to die tomorrow.
And for an expiration date... He merits excommunication.
_~*pHaze*~_

Daddyless Little Girls

"We of the fatherless tribe love men differently" - Broadway J Baker.
Reading that today as her AIM status just gave me that push I was needing to talk about this.
I am not going to talk general about this.. or at least not too general..
I'm going to talk about my experience, and how I came to realize that above statement was true.
808 and Heartbreak.
That's all I can think to sum up my discovery.
I was in love and happy for quite some time with someone I dated for almost two years.
He broke up with me.
It seemed that neither he or I really wanted it, but it was the case.
The above statement is only important because for the next year and change,
I would find myself sabotaging any form of emotional growth or self-expansion
to go back to being with him.. in any way that was made available.
This is not to say that he is a bad guy...
this is to say that I was a weak girl.
The breakup was like a death for me.. I mourned for quite some time.
But within a month's time.. two months' time..
I was already finding people who gave me some attention..
4 months, five months... another two more...
None of these people were what i wanted..
none of these people met my standards...
none of these people were worth my time, really, regardless of their status in life.
I felt nothing from spending time with them..
But I knew that somehow I needed it.
I got into a relationship that I knew was not viable because I wanted attention..
because I wanted affection, because I wanted love.
Because I needed the satisfaction of knowing that someone could and would love me.
It was actually a good relationship.. which I let go of for my ex..
Knowing it would end in despair.. but needing it because I knew no one loved me more than he.
I NEEDED it.... to make me feel whole.
I got into another relationship.. which made me feel good.. made me happy..
but not enough.. so I ended up going back to my ex...
"Going back" to a nonexistant home... is pretty much nothing but allowing yourself to be used.
This was my last phase with going back home to nothing.
You know... I stopped wanting to be with him long ago..
I no longer felt passion or chemistry when I was with him..
And I continued to wonder what my incessant desire to be with him truly was...
And I realized.. It was not him. It was me.
It was my desire to be with something I knew I could manipulate as well..
It was my need to be with someone I knew loved me to no end.
It was my need to constantly look for someone.. or look in something..
to satiate that need to feel that I am loved and I am precious..

They say little girls without daddies become big girls who yearn for love.
And I always thought that this was an insulting assumption
until I began to reflect as to why I would want someone I didn't want.
And this goes beyond the ex... this is all the other guys after our break up
who were not in my league..
I began to more than answer my questions.. i faced the truth.
Little girls who get to be daddy's little girl.. I envy them..
I constantly wonder what it feels like.. what it would be like..
But that chance was taken from me...
I continue to imagine what my household would be like
if my dad never passed.. how strict he would probably be on me..
how strict he would be about boys..
how much he would've instilled in me that I'm above what any guy thinks he can give me...
How much he would've given me security...
Confidence...
Love.. "Daddy's love"...
These males were men who I gained attention from..
and it made me feel special..
and I couldn't deal with feeling "unloved"...
I turned my attention to people who would give me it...
The thing is.. I'd like to think that if I had had that love...
no breakup... especially as civil as the one i endured
would've ever made me feel so unloved...
It would've been "his loss"
and I see confident women out there who say things like that
who believe it... even if not at the time of saying it.. soon enough they do.

I further looked into my relationship with my ex..
and I realized that he was like a Daddy figure for me..
I made our relationship so..
I asked him to control the things I do..
He called me his "Princess" and kissed me on the forehead..
It was almost always I told all and he said little...
I wanted to do whatever on God's green earth would make him happy.
I made him the authority in our relationship..
and that's what I asked for.. that's what I wanted..
and it took me up until probably last month to realize that..
The thought almost sickens me now lol,
but it doesn't change that there is something attractive
about the somewhat domineering male... for me..
and for most women of this 'tribe'...

It is a hard fight.. to let go of men who fill a void..
It is a harder fight to be the Daddy you never had
and instill in yourself that you are the best, the loved, a catch, his loss...
But inevitably... there hits a point in your life.. that fork in the road..
where you realize that enough is enough..
that you are fed up selling yourself short and not loving yourself enough..
and when no amount of a man or a relationship will make you feel the love you're not giving yourself..
Don't doubt you deserve love.. doubt the person you give love to...
Don't doubt that you are loved.. doubt the person who says you don't deserve it..
Take each day to realize your worth and realize...
everyone in your presence is lucky to be there..
it is beautiful to be humble..
it is ugly to be pitiful.

I can say that I have grown alot from acknowledging my issues..
and although I don't want to go back to having a daddy for a boyfriend..
the type of love I feel for males (that I care about) is somewhat one
I still have to work on..
I think that the love I felt in the past was at an unhealthily high level
leaving me in despair after the break up..
but I've grown alot since and I am fine with my own love..
getting extra love is just a plus..
Giving love however, that's something I work on diluting, for lack of better words...
And I think..
I think I'm actually doing just fine. :-D

Daddy's little girl is just another term for being spoiled and protected..
Spoil and protect yourself... You have a right..
You should love yourself enough to do that.

_~*`pHaze`*~_

New termZ for the FeMMez

We already have "Fuck your Couch"
some variations of this would be: "You know your couch.. fuck it" or "Fuck you.. and by you, i mean, your couch"...
But I have 2 new oneZ that I would love to share.
"Why don't you SUCK my/a/your Lake Titikaka!"
and
"Go buy a fuckin vowel!"

If any new termZ come up... please feel free to bless the FeMMez with an update.

_~*`pHaze`*~_

Heebie GeebieZ UpDate

i figured i owed an update on my spooky situation...so i actually stayed in my house alone today though i slept most of the time. i woke up and began packing things away. of course, i kept my ears clean for any sudden noises and there were none. the noise that we heard a few nights ago are also gone and everything seems to be normal. there could have been a rational explanation as to where and what the sounds were coming from, as to the answer i dont really know. to take precaution i did go on ebay and order the frankensence and myrrh to give the apt a nice cleanseN. so my fellow femmesters, no need to not visit me one day in the future. on another good note it appears i willl be getN dtv in a few days.
*Bleu*

Beyoncé - Ego

Don't know if you've seen THIS video yet... but it's out and so I embed it here

The one thing I can say about Beyoncé is that there's something to love about her vids.

She has successfully and positively mastered

what I was complaining about with the last video (Day26-Stadium Music)

which is having only one scene, one background, one outfit, in the video.

Unlike other videos, Beyoncé manages to add choreography that makes it

more than about her and yet all about her at the same time..

and it's something to love and respect.. thanx for captivating our attention!

But anyways FeMMez, maybe Single Ladies was a lil too fast,

or too hard... or maybe just too much to learn,

but I think we can definitely learn this one!!!!

(though the props might be a challenge)

I want to be Beyoncé of course..

But I'm down to learn the bkgd dance too!

Here's the link (In Case Video Fails)

Beyoncé - Ego

P.S. Did you see that JACKET???!! OH SO FLYY

_~*`pHaze`*~_

HeeBie-GeebieZ

This will all sound very strange to some and some what familiar or understandable to others. lve just moved into a new apt. and on 1st sight i was like this is pretty nice new apt. ::side note:: im living w. my bf and i didnt see the place until we moved in. so soon after i got sick like every one else in nyc and he left me in the apt alone for quite some time. now i would have called a fellow femme about the prob i began to have if i wasnt in fear they would tell me they weren't ever goin to visit. Instead I called my bf and told him tht he needed to hurry back bc I was scared fr the noises I was hearN. They seem to have been coming from the kitchen or livingrm which is quite empty or hallway. Anyways I was brave enough to check bc I thought maybe the windows were open and wind was blowing things over. Unfortunately all the windows were close and when I went to check all noises stopped and as soon as I got back in my rm I heard them again. That just creeped me out. My bf said that its prob the trees outside and the other rm has a window open. I tried explainN tht the noise wasn't fr the other rm but he thought I was being silly. When he returned he laughed and said I was crazy. Might I add as soon as he walked into the apt door all the noise making stopped. Anyways I followed him sick and all out the house on his next trip and low and behold his friend hears me talkN about bein scared and creeped out, where upon my bf goes to point out the supposed tree scratchN on the roof. To my dismay the tree is completely bare not one leaf...standing large and tall with arms everywhere looking like death itself right behind our apt. I started yellN how thts a sign bc every tree in the area near us even in front of the apt are green with leaves as can be. Now tonight there's this sound tht we can both hear like a tickN clock coming fr outside and I'm thinkN this place is freakN Creepy. Were in the burbs there shouldn't be ne sounds but bugs and thts no bug...my bf said I thought ppl were in the apt wut about outside. Am I just bugN or would you be afraid too? I callD my moms bc usually when we move into a new place we "burn it out" to make any negative energy or unwanteds leave. Of course I wanted to do tht but living out here I can't even get to buy curry powder much less herbs/spices...moms told me to get red candles to burn in the mean time...I also learned white candles are for protection. I'm buying some tomorrow. Do you have ne suggestions?

PS Typed this on my fone plz forgive the typos...and post date

*Bleu*

Day26

New Video.. Stadium Music.. Haven't Seen it yet... I see when I post the link..
Gotta represent for Day26... they go hard.. and boy can they sing!
Yeh, I'm a fan. Just a lil. lol.
Here's The Link (In Case Video Fails):
Day26 - Stadium Music

Watch more AOL Music videos on AOL Video

Comments:
= Que has found his swag Finesse. He owns the screen. Que could've been silent the entire time, I woulda watched
= Mike!!!! His teddy bear self don't need to lose nothing! Do you see the cool??? He's got it..
He owned it!
= Will.. He's fine and he knows it.. ain't nothin wrong with that, can't do no wrong with that lol
= Rob.... A lillll tooo over the top for me.. he needs to learn how to harness all of his energy into smaller acts with the same, big meaning... but that's Rob for ya.. and his voice is beautiful
= Brian.. What can i say positively.. he sings with his heart... Unfortunately, this is a love song that you ROCK to... he looks constipated half the time.. like he's about to cry.. this song isn't sad.. this song is happy.. it's HYPE! He looks like he might as well be singing a jaheim song. What's really good? He's not necessary the looker of the group.. and that face most certainly don't help. But you can sing Brian.. I just wish you would stop pouting!

Likes About the Video:
- They all got their shine, got to do their own thing..
-The black and white was mostly sexy.. And the splashes of color too..
- Liked the countdowns of 26.. that was cool..
-The guys looked pretty good.. well dressed.. Love Que's low cut! it works babe! Mike's hair was ever so luscious as well.

Dislikes:
-Rob with the guitar.. no offense, but I know he's not playing it.
-The video girls:
1. They seem out of place.. no they are out of place.
2. I don't know what it is about Day26 and the females in the videos.. I don't believe it.
3. It's not necessary... How many videos did danity kane have with males in it? Not too many.
- Um... stadium music... where.. is.. the...stadium?? This song lyrics has alot of imagery, yet none in the video exists...I hate that about videos these days, which brings me to the next point
-Tired of these low budget videos with these people standing in the same white room and we add
low budget bkgds to it on occasion.. ooooo lights! They don't look believable.. and seriously, the whole video might as well have been a home video.. cuz it basically is the same thing!
That's not your fault guys, I know. I know.
Don't the directors feel ashamed? I would not put that product out.. You pay me less means I give you cheaper costing ideas.. doesn't mean I think up less ideas.
-I'm glad the editors feel that they're cool and can do nifty things with the videos.. but it's not appealing.. the song is far more enticing than the video. I actually would only watch the video again to watch my homie Que and Mike an action..
Check out their Finesse!

_~*`pHaze`*~_