"We of the fatherless tribe love men differently" - Broadway J Baker.
Reading that today as her AIM status just gave me that push I was needing to talk about this.
I am not going to talk general about this.. or at least not too general..
I'm going to talk about my experience, and how I came to realize that above statement was true.
808 and Heartbreak.
That's all I can think to sum up my discovery.
I was in love and happy for quite some time with someone I dated for almost two years.
He broke up with me.
It seemed that neither he or I really wanted it, but it was the case.
The above statement is only important because for the next year and change,
I would find myself sabotaging any form of emotional growth or self-expansion
to go back to being with him.. in any way that was made available.
This is not to say that he is a bad guy...
this is to say that I was a weak girl.
The breakup was like a death for me.. I mourned for quite some time.
But within a month's time.. two months' time..
I was already finding people who gave me some attention..
4 months, five months... another two more...
None of these people were what i wanted..
none of these people met my standards...
none of these people were worth my time, really, regardless of their status in life.
I felt nothing from spending time with them..
But I knew that somehow I needed it.
I got into a relationship that I knew was not viable because I wanted attention..
because I wanted affection, because I wanted love.
Because I needed the satisfaction of knowing that someone could and would love me.
It was actually a good relationship.. which I let go of for my ex..
Knowing it would end in despair.. but needing it because I knew no one loved me more than he.
I NEEDED it.... to make me feel whole.
I got into another relationship.. which made me feel good.. made me happy..
but not enough.. so I ended up going back to my ex...
"Going back" to a nonexistant home... is pretty much nothing but allowing yourself to be used.
This was my last phase with going back home to nothing.
You know... I stopped wanting to be with him long ago..
I no longer felt passion or chemistry when I was with him..
And I continued to wonder what my incessant desire to be with him truly was...
And I realized.. It was not him. It was me.
It was my desire to be with something I knew I could manipulate as well..
It was my need to be with someone I knew loved me to no end.
It was my need to constantly look for someone.. or look in something..
to satiate that need to feel that I am loved and I am precious..
They say little girls without daddies become big girls who yearn for love.
And I always thought that this was an insulting assumption
until I began to reflect as to why I would want someone I didn't want.
And this goes beyond the ex... this is all the other guys after our break up
who were not in my league..
I began to more than answer my questions.. i faced the truth.
Little girls who get to be daddy's little girl.. I envy them..
I constantly wonder what it feels like.. what it would be like..
But that chance was taken from me...
I continue to imagine what my household would be like
if my dad never passed.. how strict he would probably be on me..
how strict he would be about boys..
how much he would've instilled in me that I'm above what any guy thinks he can give me...
How much he would've given me security...
Confidence...
Love.. "Daddy's love"...
These males were men who I gained attention from..
and it made me feel special..
and I couldn't deal with feeling "unloved"...
I turned my attention to people who would give me it...
The thing is.. I'd like to think that if I had had that love...
no breakup... especially as civil as the one i endured
would've ever made me feel so unloved...
It would've been "his loss"
and I see confident women out there who say things like that
who believe it... even if not at the time of saying it.. soon enough they do.
I further looked into my relationship with my ex..
and I realized that he was like a Daddy figure for me..
I made our relationship so..
I asked him to control the things I do..
He called me his "Princess" and kissed me on the forehead..
It was almost always I told all and he said little...
I wanted to do whatever on God's green earth would make him happy.
I made him the authority in our relationship..
and that's what I asked for.. that's what I wanted..
and it took me up until probably last month to realize that..
The thought almost sickens me now lol,
but it doesn't change that there is something attractive
about the somewhat domineering male... for me..
and for most women of this 'tribe'...
It is a hard fight.. to let go of men who fill a void..
It is a harder fight to be the Daddy you never had
and instill in yourself that you are the best, the loved, a catch, his loss...
But inevitably... there hits a point in your life.. that fork in the road..
where you realize that enough is enough..
that you are fed up selling yourself short and not loving yourself enough..
and when no amount of a man or a relationship will make you feel the love you're not giving yourself..
Don't doubt you deserve love.. doubt the person you give love to...
Don't doubt that you are loved.. doubt the person who says you don't deserve it..
Take each day to realize your worth and realize...
everyone in your presence is lucky to be there..
it is beautiful to be humble..
it is ugly to be pitiful.
I can say that I have grown alot from acknowledging my issues..
and although I don't want to go back to having a daddy for a boyfriend..
the type of love I feel for males (that I care about) is somewhat one
I still have to work on..
I think that the love I felt in the past was at an unhealthily high level
leaving me in despair after the break up..
but I've grown alot since and I am fine with my own love..
getting extra love is just a plus..
Giving love however, that's something I work on diluting, for lack of better words...
And I think..
I think I'm actually doing just fine. :-D
Daddy's little girl is just another term for being spoiled and protected..
Spoil and protect yourself... You have a right..
You should love yourself enough to do that.
Because I am STILL not able to access the dashboard due to the link not showing up on my screen, I couldn't post my response as a blog. Yea...it's long.
ReplyDeleteI'll be back with it.
Father (fah-th er) -noun
ReplyDelete1. a male parent.
2. a man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider
It's simple for a dictionary to just give us these words and expect it to be suffice. But, a father is so much more.
He is supposed to be the first man you live with. The first man to tell you that you are beautiful and offer you the world. He's supposed to toss you in the air and chase away those night-time monsters or at least show you that the "monster" is the clothes you forgot to put away.
He is your source of foundation. You watch in awe how he perfectly balances out the superhero your mom is. You fall in love with his smells and the scruff of his beard as he kisses you goodnight. Your father is the first man to give you a pet name. "Hey Pumpkin!" "Good Morning, Babydoll!" "How's Daddy's Little Girl?"
He tells you your worth so that you don't get back the wrong change. He prepares you for the bitter world of the opposite sex because he's "done it all". He wipes away the tears after you fall off your bike when he lets go. He eats your vegetables when your mom isn't looking so you won't sit at the kitchen table all night long.
He lets you sit on his shoulders at the parade so you don't miss the floats. As you get older, he interrogates the guys you bring around. He deals with your PMS because it reminds him that his "princess" is almost a QUEEN. That's what the fathers on TV do, anyway.
I'm sorry, Webster's Dictionary, you didn't provide with me that.
But, neither did the men my mom brought in my life. I've been a Daddyless girl for as long as I can remember. My grandfather was the first man I lived with. But, he was hardly around. Yet, I loved when he'd come home and pat me on the head, "Hey Kid...que pasa?" I look forward to those moments even today. It is the one thing a man has given to me without finding a way to take it back.
Wesley was the first man I called "Daddy". He was also the first man I allowed to do wrong because he loved me. He accepted me as his own even after my mom gave him two kids of his own. I loved him. So, when we woke up to him beating my mom or he'd dole out an ass whooping that was too drastic for our "crime", I forgave him. Because that's what you do to people you love, right? Forgive? When he passed away, my heart cried as my soul exhaled. The man who'd been supplying me with the pain and pleasure I felt necessary to live for 11 years was gone. I missed him. I miss him! Although, he was my push in the wrong direction.
When my youngest sister's father, Dwayne, came around. I didn't accept him. Nobody was going to take Wesley's place to me because I was his! But, Wayne fought! And, he fought! He wanted me to know that family was possible. That I could live a TV sitcom life and have a mom, a dad, siblings, house...and, even a pet! I formed a bond with him, eventually. A bond so strong that we'd stay up to the wee hours of the morning talking about everything under the sun. He was the first person I told when I lost my virginity. Then, the marriage fell apart. And, he was gone. Don't get me wrong, I see him occasionally. But, now, he's just my sister's father. Or, my mom's ex-husband.
I considered "fathers" a lost cause for me. I gave 18 years of my life to men who left me empty. Alas! Boys liked me. I began to cling to and "love" every guy who gave me enough attention. I was lost in myself. They claimed to see me. How? I couldn't even see myself! I became a blank canvas for them to paint who they wanted me to be. I allowed all these men to convince me that THEY knew what was right for ME. And, I got the attention I so badly craved.They weren't giving me what I deserved, though. Every night, my drawer came up short. I was losing. And, I just couldn't let that happen.
ReplyDeleteA father is defined as a man who "protects" and "provides". But, THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE DOING.....right? Protecting us from STDS as they Provided me with good/bad sex?!? Protecting me from the "dangers" that happen in movie theaters, museums, and parks while providing me with mediocre conversations and awkward silence while we got dressed after more sex? No? I missed the point? Clearly.
I wasn't trusting myself enough to make the right decisions for me. Maybe it was because I didn't care. If all these guys were giving me what I felt I needed, why waste time looking for self-enlightenment. They didn't think I was so bad. Soon enough, that hole wasn't so easy to fill. I didn't trust men in the driver's seat anymore. I refused to be the passenger in my life any longer. I started to look in the mirror and see hints of a face I hadn't seen in a while.
"Hey you!"
"Hey me!"
I am a member of the "fatherless tribe". But, I refuse to let that be what defines me. Although, my sole requirement in a man was "someone who will be a great father to my kids", I now fully understand it. I want a man who can provide and protect. Currently, I'm provided with the love I sought from myself. My heart is protected only because I am now wiser as to who's hands I place it in. He's a provider and protector, as well. He doesn't look at me as a blank canvas for him to paint on but, as a mound of clay for Taniqua to shape herself into who she wants to be. He provides me with inspiration and insight to how high in value I am. He protects me from those who are looking to turn me into chump change. I'm no longer trying to turn my dollar into your fifteen cents.
This is the poem I got the line from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YG_QDjw8pPo&feature=related